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Last Update: May 2nd, 2007
It’s a great day for the Georgia man who won $80 million. I found out
who he is; I Googled
him. He’s a 52-year-old man who lives with his mom. I wonder what he’s
going to do with his
money. He’ll probably use it to get a younger, hotter mom. A trophy mom.
There was a guy in Wisconsin who was trying to recreate a "Jackass"
stunt. He was badly
burned after one of his friends set his privates on fire. Listen, as far
as I’m concerned,
we’re no longer friends once you set my privates on fire . . . we’re no
longer friends.
We’re not friends, we’re married, that’s what it is.
Vice President Dick Cheney’s former chief of staff, Scooter Libby, is
going to jail. With a
name like Scooter, I’m sure he’ll be popular. You know what they say
about scooters:
They’re fun to ride till your friends see you.
People are saying that Scooter Libby is taking a bullet for Dick Cheney,
but I’m not sure
about that. Because if Cheney wants someone to take a bullet, he usually
delivers it
himself.
The music industry is stumped by the huge drop in sales of rap music.
Sales of rap music
down 21 percent this past year. A lot of rappers have had to cut back on
their lifestyle.
Rappers now have to choose between bitches or hos. They can’t have both.
A lot of rappers getting rid of the gold teeth. They’re going with
aluminum siding…it’s
cheaper.
KFC has a new slogan: We do chicken RAT.
KFC is now giving out action figures in their buckets of chicken. See
here? It’s the Orkin
Man action figure.
Paris Hilton’s in trouble. Paris Hilton violated her parole this week,
and as a result she
could get three months in prison. When asked about it, Paris said she’s
hoping ot get off .
. . and she’s also hoping to avoid prison.
The other day an American Airlines employee tried to let former Vice
President Al Gore
bypass airport security, but guards stopped Gore and made him go through
the metal
detector. The head of security said "we had to search Al Gore. He could
have been armed
with a speech.”
Wal-Mart says it classifies its customers into three groups: brand
aspirationals, price
sensitive affluents, and value-price shoppers. Wal-Mart says the new
categories will
replace the old customer classifications: teeth, or no teeth.
Angelina Jolie announced she is now adopting a Vietnamese baby. When
reached for comment,
Jolie said, "Only three more countries to go.”
Angelina Jolie has filed papers to adopt a Vietnamese boy. She adopted
her first child in
Cambodia, her second in Ethiopia, she gave birth to a third child in
Namibia, now she’s
getting a child from Vietnam. She’s working her way down the alphabet.
She’s at "v” now.
Stay cool Yemen; she’s coming.
What’s odd is, Brad Pitt is not listed on the adoption papers. Angelina
filed to adopt as a
single parent, which has raised questions as to whether or not their
marriage is in
trouble. It isn’t. There’s a very simple explanation: For Christmas,
Brad signed Angelina
up for the Orphan of the Month Club. March is the Vietnamese baby.
Embarrassing situation for Al Gore; you know, the whole global warming
thing. Turns out his
Tennessee home is using 20 times the energy of the average household.
But to be fair, it’s
still not as much energy as John Edwards’ blow dryer is using.
Al Gore says his bill is higher than average because his house is bigger
than average. It’s
a 20-room mansion. You know — the kind you normally find Republicans
living in.
A state senator in Florida wants to outlaw the term "illegal alien”
because it’s
insensitive. They want to go with the more politically correct term, "WalMart-ian.”
Iran is going to build an island just for women who want to go on
vacation. No men will be
allowed on the island. Which leads to the question, "If something goes
wrong, whose fault
will it be?”
Hugh Hefner is getting married. Hugh Hefner is 80 years old, and his
bride to be is
27-year-old Holly Madison. Look at it this way: He’s got everything a
girl could want; he’s
rich, and he’s famous, and he’s nearly dead.
The state of Virginia’s General Assembly has passed a resolution
apologizing for slavery.
Not a moment too soon. It’s good to nip these things in the bud before
any hard feelings
develop.
Speaking of that, according to a new report by genealogists, Al
Sharpton’s ancestors were
slaves once owned by Strom Thurmond’s relatives. And now Al Sharpton
wants a DNA test to
see if they are related. And somehow you know this is going to end up
that Strom is the
father of Anna Nicole’s baby. You know that’s going to happen.
Hugh Heffner, 80 years old, publisher of Playboy, is getting married.
27-year-old bride.
He’s 80, she’s 27, and you can already hear the high heels clicking down
the halls of the
Supreme Court.
Yesterday, James Cameron held a press conference and announced he’s
found the coffin Jesus
was buried in. Just what we need . . . another celebrity who’s found
Jesus.
Since formewr Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack dropped out of the presidential race
a few days ago,
Vilsack supporters are divided about which candidate to support now.
Apparently one guy
likes Obama, the other guy likes Hillary.
Krispy Kreme announced they’re coming out with a low-fat, 180 calorie,
whole wheat
doughnut. This amazing whole wheat doughnut is called a bagel.
Everyone’s talking about Al Gore winning the Oscar for his global
warming movie. Did you
see him on the Oscars? It doesn’t look like he’s trying to save the
planet, it looks like
he’s trying to eat the damn planet.
Did you all watch the Oscars last night? I tried to TiVo the show, but
my TiVo only holds
30 hours of programs.
It was so long that parts of Peter O’Toole were starting to fall off.
The memorial clip actually featured people who were alive when the show
began.
Helen Mirren won an Oscar for her role in "The Queen,” and now, this is
latest, the real
queen of England has invited her for tea at Buckingham Palace. Meanwhile
President Bush has
extended a similar invitation to Larry the Cable Guy.
Angelina Jolie is in the news. Angelina Jolie is joining the prestigious
Council on Foreign
Relations. In a related story, Kofi Annan will be playing Laura Croft in
Tomb Raider 3.
If you want to stay healthy . . . there was this guy in Hong Kong,
107-year-old guy in Hong
Kong. He attributes his longevity to abstaining from sex since he was
30. Man, I’m gonna
live a long, long time.
I cannot believe the epidemic of plastic surgery in this town. The
trouble with plastic
surgery is that if you get too much, you look like you’re traveling at
high speed all the
time.
How many of you folks were affected by the big stock market plunge
yesterday? Four hundred
points, the stock market dropped 400 points yesterday. And big
corporations were really,
really affected by it. As a matter of fact, Taco Bell had to lay off 200
rats
As you know, the stock market dropped 416 points. But enough about
President Bush’s
approval rating.
Last night on Fox they had the premiere of "Are You Smarter than a 5th
Grader?” Or as
President Bush calls it: "Jeopardy.”
Al Gore taking a little global heat today after it was revealed that his
home in Tennessee
uses 20 times the energy as the average household. That is an
inconvenient truth. He lives
in a mansion in Tennessee that has eight bathrooms. And three of them
are indoors.
Actually, you know why is using so much energy. Have you seen Al lately?
I think he’s been
keeping that refrigerator door open a little too long. That’s what
happens. Every time that
light comes on...
Vice President Dick Cheney safely back in Washington after an attempt
was made on his life
in Afghanistan yesterday. The Taliban have denied reports that they were
trying to kill
Cheney. They are claiming it was a hunting accident.
Several female students at Depaw University in Indiana claim they were
kicked out of their
sorority house, Delta Xeta, because they were overweight. Isn’t that
terrible, judging
people based solely on their weight and appearance? Or as we call that
out here, "show
business.”
Prince Charles says he wants to ban McDonald’s. He said banning
McDonald’s is the key to
living a healthy lifestyle. Really? Why did he single out McDonald’s? I
think banning
dominos would make more sense. They deliver the junk food to your house.
At least with
McDonalds you have to get off your fat ass and walk to your car. Prince
Charles says he
wants to ban McDonald’s to teach people that excess is bad. Who better
to teach people that
excess is bad than a guy who lives in a giant castle?
There was a ruling today in the Anna Nicole Smith case today. The judge
is a whack job!
Did you see the judge start crying? He’s the judge . . . he’s not
supposed to be emotional.
I haven’t seen a judge cry that much since Paula Abdul.
Bank of America will be giving out credit cards to illegals. See, this
way they won’t need
cash. You can buy forged papers and phony driver’s licenses on credit.
In Saint Paul, Minn., a couple got in trouble after police found 150
pounds of marijuana
hidden in the gas tank of their car. How stupid is that? Just fill the
tank with gasoline —
it will be worth more than the drugs.
The judge in the Anna Nicole Smith case got surprisingly emotional when
he read his
decision. He wept through the whole decision because he realized that
after almost two
weeks, this would be the last time he would be appearing on television.
Paris Hilton in the news again. Paris Hilton was arrested by police for
driving with a suspended license. Paris spent three hours in jail and
had 12 conjugal visits.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is bragging that Hillary has raised over $1
million on the Internet. In a related story, Bill Clinton is bragging
that he has spent more than $1 million on the Internet.
McDonald’s is trying to compete with Starbuck’s, so they’re going to
start serving lattes and cappuccinos. McDonald’s say both drinks go
great with their new vente hazelnut McRib.
According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chance of
getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice cream increases a woman’s chances
of looking pregnant.
Sean Puff P. Diddly Combs was accused of punching a man in the face at
an Oscar party. Well, Puff Diddy or Puff didn’t he, who knows?
Two teenage girls in Georgia robbed a bank. I have to say one thing.
It’s nice to see young women stealing money without the help of divorce
lawyers.
It won’t be hard for them to catch these girls. Because you know they’re
going to just post the video of the bank robbery on their MySpace page
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